Control and Fear Are Incompatible With Love
By Karen Burke
The first time I heard the statement, “The opposite of love is fear” I felt a profound sense of understanding and change deep within me. It really makes sense when you ponder the complexities of how fear can affect relationships and mess up your life.
First we should look at the ego. The ego is believed to be anything that bolsters “me”, a need, especially a social need. It has been said that if we lived in total isolation, we would have no ego or ego needs to deal with.
However, none of us have ever lived in total isolation from another person or relationship. Most people are taught to pursue ego goals, and each of us brings a complex bundle of ego needs to a relationship. This is oftentimes where problems arise.
The ego seems to always know what it needs. I need to be loved, I need to feel safe, I need to look good, I need approval, I need power. But aren’t these so-called needs really based on fear? We are afraid of failing, of abandonment, rejection, loss, humiliation. We’re afraid of being wrong, of being powerless.
Control is the way the ego believes it can solve the problem of fear. When a person is attempting to control another in a relationship, they usually can’t admit to what is going on. They may even fool themselves (and others) by believing that their motivations are purely based on love – after all, isn’t it loving to protect your partner and oversee their wants and desires?
In his book “The Path to Love”, Deepak Chopra states that the need to control life, either yours or someone else’s, is based on spiritual desperation.
In clinical psychology many behaviors are considered controlling: Perfectionism, stubbornly clinging to a point of view, possessiveness, intolerance, being disappointed when expectations are not met and the tendency to get angry if confronted or opposed.
We all resort to these unloving behaviors at one time or another. We say “I love you” yet secretly keep tabs on the other person’s shortcomings. “I love you” and “I expect you to act this way” come from two different places. The end to controlling behavior is when you realize that control is no solution to the problem of fear and is totally incompatible with love.
Once you are aware of your controlling behavior and the fears behind it, Chopra suggests replacing controlling with allowing. “You start to feel love once more, not as an idea but as a sensation in your heart. And at last you find it possible to allow.”
Karen is the owner of Places In Time www.placesintimefarm.com. She can be reached at Karen.placesintime@gmail.com or 330-948-5396.
